My heart in two


My grandma is dying. We are all dying in fact, but right now as I write, my grandma is slowly passing away. Tomorrow she will decide if she will continue to fight and suffer through more pain by going ahead with more surgery that is sure to leave her weak and worse off than before. Or she will decide to go home. My heart is selfishly hurting. I want her to stay and fight; I'm not ready to give her up. But if I was to be honest and I were her, I would want to go home too. My grandpa is waiting for her and so is her heavenly father. Secretly I'm jealous. I want to go home too. I want to be with them both, like the way it was when I was a little girl.
In C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, there is a passage that I am imagining for my grandma:

The Happy Trinity is her home: nothing can trouble her joy.
She is the bird that evades every net: the wild deer that leaps every pitfall.
Like the mother bird to its chickens or a shield to the arm'd knight: so is the Lord to her mind, in His unchanging lucidity.
Bogies will not scare her in the dark: bullets will not frighten her in the day.
Falsehoods tricked out as truths assail her in vain: she sees through the lie as if it were glass.
The invisible germ will not harm her: nor yet the glittering sun-stroke.
A thousand fail to solve the problem, ten thousand choose the wrong turning: but she passes safely through.
He details immortal gods to attend her: upon every road where she must travel.
They take her hand at hard places: she will not stub her toes in the dark.
She may walk among Lions and rattlesnakes: among dinosaurs and nurseries of lionets.
He fills her brim-full with immensity of life: he leads her to see the world's desire.


2 comments:

Scott Lee said...

I hesitate to say "good" post. Simply because of the topic at hand. Perhaps it would be better to say, I appreciate your reflections in dealing with death. What I really enjoy is the followup from The Great Divorce.

I am sorry to hear your struggles. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Maria the Great said...

sorry to hear this, Laurey. i'm sure you wish you could be there with her too. let us know if we can do anything to help.

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